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Freedom versus Commitment

June 23, 2010
This a response for Shaina’s post on,
Grand Cross Taffy by Shaina

Where she talks about her life struggle with her conflicting needs for a committed relationship and freedom, and Lady Gaga.

This post touched me because this is what I’m coming to realise myself. The level of commitment I need from a person, the high emotional support and the amount of freedom I also need (Not want, I need freedom) leads me to think I’m just going to severely hurt and confuse anyone who actually emotionally involves themselves with me, when I go off on my own to work creatively or write.

I need to be free from the confines of relationship needs, and reality, responsibility to dig deep within myself to bring out what I wanna create. And while anyone can understand that intellectually, emotionally if they really cared for me they are still going to get hurt whenever I’m not readily available.

It makes me rack my brain. Why haven’t I ever noticed this before? Where all of my relationships not that really involved? Well yeah… the majority of my past is riddled with me “saving” people, and taking care of them, and then somehow being separated from them before we really get a balance in the relationship and take care of some of my needs too.

There are two relationships where this reared it’s head and I would fight from built up emotional pressure.

First was a girl I had a heavy crush on in Middle School, and a friendship grew out of that that would sometimes boarder on more but never went anywhere. I often remember happiness being something simple like… Me just being in her area, like her bedroom on the floor next to her bed where she’s sitting. Usually drawing or reading and occasionally sharing a thought with her to get a deep discussion going. While she’s doing her own thing, her homework, or talking to her boyfriend on the phone. (Which most of her relationships I was intellectually involved in so from time to time I’d ask to talk to the boyfriend too. LOl! Weird.) But yeah, left alone to do my own thing, but allowed within the emotional bubble so I can engage whenever I needed or wanted to.

 Any who, yeah… anytime I needed some emotional support, she’d drop what she’s doing to hug, kiss me on the cheek,, and then move on with the day. All of the serious fights I ever started with her were about the times she wasn’t readily available to take care of my emotions. LOL! But yeah… since then I’ve been looking for something like that, under the impression that all deep relationships were like that.

Now my current Ex is a Aquarius (Like Miss Shania’s Fiance) And he comes around alot to see how I’m doing, eternal friend and all that. Shania and me share the same problem, though. “I also haven’t seen the last of Mr. Aquarius, but the question is, just how much of him will I ever get to see?” That’s the nature of Aquarius, freedom and unavailability…

But that’s what I’m taking about, all my experiences with relationships have been around “other” people being unavailable, not me. I’ve just having picked someone to be with that I can seriously hurt, to figure out I too… am a unavailable person.

But “YAY!” I figured that out. What now?

The type of emotionally committed relationship I’ve been Idealizing, would not even work for me. I mean really, I could be really wrapped up in a person for a while, dive into their depths… but then a couple weeks later I gots to kick them to the curb while I lock myself in a black room and get some work done…. and yeah, I don’t need to go fuck up a relationship to figure out that’s not going to last….

Whats a girl to do? Conflicting needs…

Let me share with you those needs in my chart…

Sun in Sagittarius
Sun Conjunct Sag Uranus
Sun square Pisces Moon
Sun square Pisces Mars
Moon Sqaure Sag Saturn
Moon Sqaure Sag Uranus
Venus Semisquare Sag Uranus
Venus sextile Neptune
Venus trine Jupiter
Jupiter Sqaure Uranus
Mid heaven in Leo

Emotional Commitment
Ascendant Scorpio
Venus conjunct Ascendant
Venus in Scorpio
Mars Sextile Neptune
Mars Trine Pluto
Venus conjunct Scorpio Pluto

Look at all the Scorpio.. I need someone to bare their soul open to me to feel committed. In fact a need a soul-deep connection to feel emotionally satisfied, and can’t be in a superficial relationship or friendship… But then I also need to turn around and go frolic in the fields. It’s confusing and I don’t know how this is going to work out.

If you wanna read how real emotionally committed relationships work out, Go read my sister’s blog.

She’s a Cancer sun in the 8th house with Moon in Leo in the 9th..

So she can publish(9th) stories(9th) that tug(Moon) at your heart(Leo) strings, because the truth(9th) of them brings vitality(Sun) to your soul(8th). Not kidding.

Damn her talent.

Samara Says…

2 Comments leave one →
  1. June 23, 2010 10:04 pm

    Thanks for the shout out Tenshi! ^.^ I think you just need a lover with some ADD so they won’t be offended when you need to run off for me time, and they will have enough energy to keep up with your emotional needs! Maybe a Scorpio with ADD, someone with lots of love, and a strange obsession with shiny objects that can keep them occupied for long periods of time. 🙂

    • June 28, 2010 2:54 am

      Shout out my ass! Your blog had me sobbing like I never read a romantic sorry before. (OMG IT’S REAL IT’S REAL! TRUWE LURVE IS REAL!!) I don’t like to be touched so deep, it’s squishy there.

      HAHAHA! Shiny objects indeed. It’s been a very long time since I’ve been around a Natural Sun Scorpio.(Except a couple people I know at work. However in real life..) Last one I remember was this girl I had a crush on in high school, I saw her in one of my classes out back behind the school in the portables. I can’t remember her name but I’m sure I’m friends with her on facebook.(lol! Thats terrible)

      Eh, I doubt you’ll come back and check this, but your coment as been pending for days because I didn’t even realise I had a comment. LOL! I need to pay more attention.

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